Only in Dublin

Nobody knows

On HILL 16 for the Dublin v Offaly Leinster semi final. There was a minutes silence for a recently deceased GAA member....
about 40 seconds into the minute silence some wise crack said
"I DONT KNOW WHAT A TRACKER MORTGAGE IS"

Ireland of the Welcomes!

In Roddy Boland's in Rathmines one night I overheard a group of Italian guys (tourists) trying to chat up two Irish girls and not getting very far.

One of the Italian's started waxing lyrical about one of the girls and her "beautiful pale skin" and said: "In my country, you would be a Princess"

To which the Irish girl replied "And in my country, you'd work in a chipper, now f**k off".

Don't go to work on an egg

On a No.13 bus in Ranelagh a harassed looking man was relating a story to a friend. "On Friday night last I came home from work and the Missus asked me to have a word with the 8 year old about his bad language. Now I was knackered from the week's work and told her I would talk to him in the morning. Next morning I came into the kitchen and there were my 2 sons the 8 year old and his 5 year old brother. I asked the 8 year old what he would like for brekkie and he put his 2 hands behind his head, threw the feet up on the table and said he would like a f**king egg. At this stage said the harassed parent I lost the head compltely and hit him a few clips on the legs, then still shaking I turned to the 5 year old and asked him what he would like for brekkie. The 5 year old clearly shaken by the previous events said in a tremulous voice......... I'm not having a f**king egg anyway.

Is there a doctor in the house?

In the Omniplex a while back, a particularly boring bit of the movie was on, when a cry came from the dark.

Shadow at the front (shouting): "Anyone! Is there a doctor here? Is there a doctor here?"

(Shock. Confusion.)

Voice from the back: "Here - I'm a doctor"

Voice from the front: "Sh*te film, isn't it?" ...and sat back down

Voice from the back: "Little bastard - if I find ya I'll rattle ya"

Hill 16 banter

Hill 16, Croke Park, Dublin playing Westmeath and Jason Sherlcok becomes embroiled in a fight with the Westmeath corner back right in front of the Hill.
One wag shouts out....

"Go on Jason, hit him with your wok!"  

Dublin barmen.............aren't they great!

My brother was in Mulligans pub on Poolbeg street having a pint at the bar when a yank came up and said to the barman "Excuse me sir, where is your bathroom?". So the barman gave him directions and off went the yank. A few minutes later the yank returns and says to the barman "Excuse me sir, there's no lock on the door". The barman replied without looking up from the pint of Guinness he was pulling "As long as I've been here, no-one ever tried to rob a sh*te."

Kerry - Dublin relations

Sitting in the Hogan stand a few years back at a Kerry versus Dublin football match there was these two men , one sitting in front of me and another sitting behind me. One was a Kerryman the other a Dubliner . The match was tight and a fairly heated affair and the two boys were fairly vocal to say the least . Each doing their best to wind up the other . Anyway a Kerry player sent high lobbing ball down the field , a Dublin player was all alone underneath it , hands out stretched it looked like a wasted ball by the Kerry player . Laughing the Dublin Fan shouts "Nice f**king pass ya f**king sheep shagger" . As the ball descended on-top of the Dublin player it fell through his hands ,bounced of his knee a flew into the stand . In turn the Kerry supporter stood up in histerics and blasted out "IF TWAS A BAG OF HEROIN YOU'D CATCH IT WUDNT EW YU JACKEEN BASTARD"

Crowd disturbance at a Leinster game

At a recent Leinster Magners League game in Donnybrook there was an Australian lady who was more interested in fussing over her friend's baby than watching the game. so much so that she seemed to be upsetting the Leinster fan next to her. She left to get chips and when she came back she didn't see the baby immediately in the crowd and said in her strongest Australian "Where's the baby?" to which the Leinster fan replied angrily "the focking Dingo took it, now sit down and watch the game!"

Post it note

I was in the queue in a post office and there was an aul wan ahead of me, she says to the post mistress "Give us the stamps so I can post this parcel" The post mistress weighted the parcel and gave the aul wan the parcel and the stamps. The aul wan looked at the post mistress and said "Will I stick em on meself?" The post mistress says, without any hesitation "No love, stick them on the parcel" I nearly folded.

Time to call the AA

Last Halloween during my lunch break I went down O'Connell street to buy a broom for my daughters witch costume... on the way back to work some smart ass shouted at me "What's wrong love.. have you broken down"

Toilet talk

Sitting in the bog in a city centre pub after a few scoops the bloke in the next cubicle says "howya, hows it goin?"to which I reply "ahh not too bad!" then he says "sorry!!!"and I say again "not to bad!" then he says "listen I'll ring you back theres some lunatic in the jacks next to me!!"I then cringed and waited till he left!! 

Fantastic comeback

A bus stops with it's front wheels slightly inside a yellow box at a junction. A guy with a flash girlfriend and a flash convertible car pulls up beside the bus.

The flash guys shouts out his window at the bus driver:
"YELLOW BOX, YELLOW BOX".

The bus driver opens his window and says back to him:
"You'd better get her to the clinic"

Alternative Guide Dog

At a kids football match, one of the parents is giving out about the fact that the manager of the team has his Jack Russell dog at the sidelines with him. She gets out of her seat to give him an earful, saying...

"Ya shouldn't be allowed with that dog on the pitch, not when there's kids playing".

Without turning, he declares...

"I have to have him. He's my guide dog".

"Yeah right", she says "Jack Russells arent guide dogs".

He turns to face her, with his eyes shut, and arms outstretched and shouts, stunned....

"The bastards! They gave me a Jack Russell?"

Cynical Taxi Driver

Me and my mates got a smart arse Dublin taxi driver into town, and on the journey me and the lads are talking about the women we are gonna chat up when outta nowhere the taxi driver pipes up with this little gem. "u boys'll be doin no scoring tonite! yis are all uglier than Eamon Dunphy's forskin!!!!"

I'm still tryin to get that image out of my head!!