Joke !!! |
Post Reply | Page <1 149150151 |
Author | |
Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38044 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie theatre for the latest superhero saga – with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well dear, what was it like being eight again?” Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ” I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!” The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
|
|
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
|
Sponsored Links | |
Pogue Mahoney
I have no life! 68-71 Joined: 08-February-2006 Location: Islets of Langerheads Status: Offline Points: 5274 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
HAR PAT! another man taking a message joke:
A woman comes home from work and asks her husband if there are any phone messages for her- and he says–"Yes. Some guy in a college called with the results of your Pabst Beer test"
|
|
Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38044 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Joke courtesy of Grover Robbie Poole. phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy is a typical County Clare baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks... so how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born.” The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "We Had him circumcised."
|
|
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
|
Rahenyrhythm
I spend too much time here!!! Joined: 02-May-2018 Location: Stradbally Status: Offline Points: 15276 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Jaysis
|
|
One of its legs is both the same
|
|
Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38044 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?" "Grandad" "sh*t, stop the funeral" Joke courtesy of Ricky Gallagher. Edited by Biker Pat - 06-February-2024 at 01:16 |
|
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
|
Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38044 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
President Lincoln was approached by a woman after a political speech.
If you were my husband I would poison your tea. Lincoln replied...if you are my wife I’ll gladly drink it.
|
|
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
|
Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38044 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole" . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Mary called him a "sh*t head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
|
|
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
|
Pogue Mahoney
I have no life! 68-71 Joined: 08-February-2006 Location: Islets of Langerheads Status: Offline Points: 5274 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
HAH! good one
on the same lines A cop stopped a driver who was swerving and asked him if he'd been drinking. The man said he had about six pints and five whiskies, a bottle and half of wine with dinner and finished with three martinis. The cop says "I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer" and the man says –"Why, Do you not believe me?"
|
|
Rahenyrhythm
I spend too much time here!!! Joined: 02-May-2018 Location: Stradbally Status: Offline Points: 15276 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Lol Poguey, how long did you get ???!!!
|
|
One of its legs is both the same
|
|
Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38044 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
As the bus pulled up at the bus stop and it was her turn to get on, Melissa became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus:
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step. Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. At this point, a large bodybuilder who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled. "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The bodybuilder smiled and drawled. "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"
|
|
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
|
ShortHairHippie
I spend too much time here!!! 86-present Joined: 28-February-2008 Location: Balbriggan (ex Clontarf) Status: Offline Points: 12172 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
|
|
upon us all,a little rain must fall
|
|
Pogue Mahoney
I have no life! 68-71 Joined: 08-February-2006 Location: Islets of Langerheads Status: Offline Points: 5274 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
A man arrived at work with a black eye. His workmate asked how it happened. He told him that he was on the elevator behind a woman and noticed her skirt was caught in the crack of her backside. He said when he tugged it out the woman turned around and smacked him in the eye.
Two days later the man turned up with a second black eye. His friend said "Please tell me that you didn't pull that elevator woman's skirt out of her ass again, did you?" and the man said "No - I was standing behind her on the elevator and her skirt was normal ... I knew she didn't like it that way so I tucked it back in for her" .
Edited by Pogue Mahoney - 13-March-2024 at 20:59 |
|
Rahenyrhythm
I spend too much time here!!! Joined: 02-May-2018 Location: Stradbally Status: Offline Points: 15276 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Poguey
|
|
One of its legs is both the same
|
|
Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38044 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO." |
|
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
|
Pogue Mahoney
I have no life! 68-71 Joined: 08-February-2006 Location: Islets of Langerheads Status: Offline Points: 5274 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Good One Pat!
Not sure I get it though...First class really was going to Toronto - Right?
|
|
Rahenyrhythm
I spend too much time here!!! Joined: 02-May-2018 Location: Stradbally Status: Offline Points: 15276 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
Lol Poguey
|
|
One of its legs is both the same
|
|
Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38044 |
Post Options
Thanks(0)
|
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?" “Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." “Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name." "Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........
|
|
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
|
Post Reply | Page <1 149150151 |
Tweet |
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |