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Joke !!! |
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finno 
Die Hard Grover! 
�77 to 82ish Joined: 21-September-2006 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 3885 |
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 Posted: 29-November-2006 at 22:28 |
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Sharon, love the ad.
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A man must have a code
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finno
Die Hard Grover!
�77 to 82ish Joined: 21-September-2006 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 3885 |
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Posted: 29-November-2006 at 22:50 |
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Street ads.
 
Edited by finno |
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A man must have a code
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irish_mammy
Die Hard Grover!
80-84 ish Joined: 16-October-2006 Location: Perth Western Australia (ex Status: Offline Points: 3782 |
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Posted: 30-November-2006 at 04:21 |
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!!
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Lesley
25th June - 25th July. Get organising my nights out. Child can stay in the car. Grove 1980-1984 |
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Blondie
Moderator Group
1978 - 1981 ish Joined: 26-August-2005 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 5081 |
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Posted: 01-December-2006 at 19:46 |
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Mr and Mrs Blobby r in bed. Mrs Blobby says "Blib blob bobble blub bibbly blob blubbly blib " Mr Blobby says " Just f**kin swallow it " |
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Blondie
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it ! |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!!
72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 39956 |
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Posted: 11-December-2006 at 18:53 |
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The Silent
Treatment
>> A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. >> >> >> WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically , "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws". >> >WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." >> >> UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. >> >> W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" >> CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! >> WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS" >> God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. >
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Blondie
Moderator Group
1978 - 1981 ish Joined: 26-August-2005 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 5081 |
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Posted: 11-December-2006 at 19:07 |
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5 reasons not to be a penis
1.You're bald ur whole life 2.You have a hole in your head 3.Your friends are nuts 4. Your closest neighbour is an asshole 5. And last but not least everytime you get excited you throw up and then faint !! |
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Blondie
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it ! |
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Blondie
Moderator Group
1978 - 1981 ish Joined: 26-August-2005 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 5081 |
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Posted: 11-December-2006 at 19:09 |
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Black man finds a genie who grants him 1 wish. He says "I want to be white and surrounded by pussy ! So the genie turns him into a tampax. The moral of the story is that you may get wot you wish for but there is always a string attached !!!
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Blondie
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it ! |
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Mins
Really Really Senior Member
1984-1987 Joined: 03-November-2006 Location: Cabos Mexico. Status: Offline Points: 1773 |
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Posted: 11-December-2006 at 19:10 |
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Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
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eejit91
Moderator Group
Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 18-December-2006 at 14:31 |
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
> of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker > lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you're > losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down > the street. > > When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. > She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the > trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says > brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you're losing some of your > load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again And continues > down the street. > > At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of > breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the > truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says, "Hi, my > name is Heather, and you're losing some of your load!" > > When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next > light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of The truck and > runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers > it, he says . . . "Hi, my name is Kevin. It's winter in North Dakota, > and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!" |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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eejit91
Moderator Group
Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 11-January-2007 at 15:15 |
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Taking a Tinkle A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." SCROLL DOWN
I I I I I V V V "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
I KNOW YOU SMILED!!! :o) |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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BakerBabe
Experienced Poster 
84/88 ish Joined: 19-September-2006 Location: Meath (formerly Artane) Status: Offline Points: 154 |
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Posted: 12-January-2007 at 23:59 |
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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the |
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BakerBabe
Experienced Poster
84/88 ish Joined: 19-September-2006 Location: Meath (formerly Artane) Status: Offline Points: 154 |
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Posted: 17-January-2007 at 09:40 |
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FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls" THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean. . . |
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eejit91
Moderator Group
Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 23-January-2007 at 22:42 |
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Don't Fart in Bed...
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in." |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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BakerBabe
Experienced Poster
84/88 ish Joined: 19-September-2006 Location: Meath (formerly Artane) Status: Offline Points: 154 |
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Posted: 29-January-2007 at 14:40 |
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BakerBabe
Experienced Poster
84/88 ish Joined: 19-September-2006 Location: Meath (formerly Artane) Status: Offline Points: 154 |
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Posted: 02-February-2007 at 18:07 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!!
72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 39956 |
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Posted: 05-February-2007 at 17:32 |
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic
Church,enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!" |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!!
72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 39956 |
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Posted: 05-February-2007 at 17:34 |
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An Irishman who had a little too much to
drink is driving home from the city one night and,of course, his
car is weaving violently all over the road.A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, " where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course,"slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!!
72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 39956 |
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Posted: 05-February-2007 at 17:36 |
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THAI RITUAL
I bet you didn't know this. In original native culture of Thailand , when males reach the age 18 they participate in a ceremony as follows: They stand naked in a large circle, facing inward. A beautiful naked girl does a sexy dance in the center of the circle. Behind each male is a beautiful naked girl. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach through between their legs, pull their erect penises downward and then release them. Their penises spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies. This is considered a measurement of strength of masculinity. And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok . |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Sharon
Moderator Group
Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 13-February-2007 at 16:11 |
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After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
> sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The > mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, > then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. > Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. > > Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the > Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as > marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers. > > By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major > airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident! > > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. > > P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. > S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. > > P: Something loose in the cockpit. > S: Something tightened in the cockpit. > > P: Dead bugs on windshield. > S: Live bugs on backorder. > > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute > descent. > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. > > P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear. > S: Evidence removed. > > P: DME volume unbelievably loud. > S: DME volume reset to a more believable level. > > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. > S: That's what friction locks are for. > > P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. > > P: Suspected crack in windshield. > S: Suspect you're right. > > P: The number 3 engine is missing. > S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search. > > P: Aircraft handles funny. > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. > > P: Target radar hums. > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. > > P: Mouse in cockpit. > S: Cat installed. > > And the best one saved for last...... > > P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget > pounding on something with a hammer. > S: Took hammer away from the midget. |
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All I wanted was chips!!
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Sharon
Moderator Group
Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 13-February-2007 at 16:14 |
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Confessions...
Truth About Irish Confessions
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."! The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box and according to you, that's the same as putting it in !" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ The Pain of Confession There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ A Joyful Confession An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: 'And Are you sorry for your sins? Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling everybody!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ No Need for Confession An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "Ninety!" comments the madam "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ Some Confession! A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You 're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,"You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off." |
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All I wanted was chips!!
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