Joke !!!

Thats brilliant!!! I could just imagine Larry's reaction to those answers! Priceless! Bring back Larry I say!

Rolo - they are actually true edits - heres another 1 for you a Blond joke!

Blond Joke: A blond goes into pet shop in search of exotic pet. Looking around the tore she notices sign that reads "Sex Frogs" 20 dollars - complete with instructions.  Says "I'll take one". Chap in pet shop say "Just follow instructions".  Blond nods. grabs the box runs home opens the box - instructions read: as follows  1/ Take a shower  2/ Perfume & sexy nightie 3/ Get into bed - the frog will do what he has been trained 2 do.   Nothing happens.  Blond is v. disappointed reads instructions again and notices at the bottom iF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS, PLEASE CALL THE PET STORE.

Phones the pet store man says "I'll be right over"  Man calls picks up the frog, looks into his eyes and says sternly :

Look I'm going to show you how how one more more time.

V

 

 

Brian,

But the proof is in the puddin - Did you end up with one ???

V

(Can't remember where I heard this-hope it wasn't on this page)

Man lying in his hospita; bed and the young nurse comes to take his tempreture.

With thermometer in place,he asks the nurse. 'Are my testicles black?'

The nurse says 'lets have a look' and has a good look,a thorough examination and after 5 or 10 minutes of fondling,looks up,removes the thermometer from his mouth and says 'no sir-everything seems to be OK.'

The man replies 'That was very nice,nurse but are my test results back???'

Aunt Karen


A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the flask wouldn't break and then  her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,  killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the F--- away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking

Advice for Women (sent to me by a womens Libber)

1/Dont imagine you can change a man - unless he is in nappies.

2/What do you do if our boyfriend walks out - shut the door.

3/Never let a mans mind wander - its too little to be out alone.

4/Men are all the same - they just have different faces.

5/Definition of a bachelor - a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

6/ Women dont make fools of men - most men are do it yourselves

Please note - I did not write above but made me laugh V

 I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon  hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied:
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years  old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny: "Many years ago, realizing our  advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice  and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and  out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued: "He'd still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

I'm trying not to laugh out loud reading these at work. I'll have to reread them at home. Thanks Pat

Found this somewhre,thought it was topical for the week that's in it and all that.

Obviously no offence meant to anyone who may or may not identify with any of the characters.

NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN

NAME    _________________________

NICK-NAME       ____________________

GANG NAME       ____________________

1.      Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine.  If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno
for EUR300 and 90 grams to Tomo for EUR90 a gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2.      Anto pimps 3 brassers.  If the price is 40 Euro a royid, how many royids per day must each brasser perform to support Vinno's 500 Euro a day crack habit?

3.      Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for EUR7,000 to make a 20% profit.  How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4.      Christy got 6 years for murder.  He also got EUR350,000 for the hit.  If his common law wife spends EUR33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the 'Joy?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the slapper that spent his money?

5.      If an average can of spray paint covers 22m2 and the average
letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6.      Liamo steals Eamo's skateboard.  As Liamo skates away at a speed  of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother's Armalite.  If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?

SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN

NAME ____________________________________________________________ ____
____________________________________________________________ ____________


____________________________________________________________ ____________


____________________________________________________________ ____________

____________________________________________________________ ___________

________________________________ (if longer, please continue on a
separate sheet

SCHOOL  ____________________

DADDY'S COMPANY ___________

1.      Julian smashes up the old man's cor, causing x amount of damage and killing, like, three people? The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and
receives a payment of y.  The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people.  What kind of cor is Julian driving now?

2.      Chloe's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and
own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji
and Chloe doesn't even notice the difference.  Is she, like, thick or
what?

3.      Roly fancies the orse off a certain number of torts, but he only
has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious.  If he has 14
Rohypnol, how is he ever, like, going to shag the other two-thirds and
sh*t?

4.      If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8 Versace.  If she only throws up three times a day for two
weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana..  How much does liposuction cost?

5.      Alexander is unsure about his sexuality.  Three days a week he
fancies women.  On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners.  However he only has access to the Hoover every third week.

When does his Sunday Independent column start?>

BOGGER LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS OUTSIDE DUBLIN

Name:   Paddy/Mary _________________________

1.      If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through PaddyJohn's  turnip crop at 10miles an hour.  What colour was Paddy John's tractor?

2.      If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of stout in O'Brien's at the crossroads?

3.      Paddy Joe Mahoney has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockerel and 6 geese.  John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs.  How much does
Paddy Joe offer to John Joe for a dowry for Mary?

4.      If it takes Bridie 40 minutes to cycle 12 miles to O'Brien's on
the crossroads for the ceilidh and it takes Mary Murphy 40 minutes to
walk 2 miles to O'Brien's, which girl will end up in John Joe's hay
barn?

5.      If Paddy Joe's prize hen can lay 4 eggs every morning and his
other hens can lay only two each the odd morning, which one will he
have for Sunday dinner?

Saw the County Council one before PAt - it always makes me cry with laughter!!

Prison versus Work

IN PRISON......you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.

AT WORK........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......you get three meals a day.

AT WORK.........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK............you're often required to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON.........you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON........you get your own toilet.

AT WORK..........you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK............you're not supposed to even speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.

AT WORK...........you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then

they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON ........you must deal with sadistic wardens.

AT WORK...........they're called managers.

IN PRISON.....you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

AT WORK ......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Have a Good Day at Work!