Joke !!!

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   A La Carte Catholics
My 7 year old son is preparing for his holy communion - we don't go to mass, so he was a bit in awe of the goings on. It was a folk mass so there was plenty of alleluia's ringing out from the altar. 

My son nudged me pointed at the singers and whispered (loudly) "Mom, are they the Christians'"

One Mortified Mom!

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finno Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Die Hard Grover! �77 to 82ish Joined: 21-September-2006 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 3885	Post Options Post Reply Quote finno Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 10-October-2007 at 15:31
	A La Carte Catholics My 7 year old son is preparing for his holy communion - we don't go to mass, so he was a bit in awe of the goings on. It was a folk mass so there was plenty of alleluia's ringing out from the altar. My son nudged me pointed at the singers and whispered (loudly) "Mom, are they the Christians'" One Mortified Mom!
	A man must have a code

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muller Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Really Really Senior Member 72-75 Joined: 16-November-2006 Location: Donabate Status: Offline Points: 1385	Post Options Post Reply Quote muller Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 11-October-2007 at 17:03
	A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fking bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fking beak to the bar you irritating bastd of a fking bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any bread?**
	Life is for living

Rolo Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Admin Group �79 - �85 Joined: 08-July-2005 Status: Offline Points: 9282	Post Options Post Reply Quote Rolo Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 11-October-2007 at 17:23
	Magnificent Muller.............love it.

Evangeline Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Die Hard Grover! 86-88 Joined: 15-June-2007 Location: Artane Status: Offline Points: 3421	Post Options Post Reply Quote Evangeline Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 15-October-2007 at 21:11
	A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are planned at this time. Jen
	"Gentlemen! You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!"

Aries Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List I spend too much time here!!! 70�s ish Joined: 21-February-2007 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 7799	Post Options Post Reply Quote Aries Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23-October-2007 at 15:09
	A young woman in Galway was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Atlantic Ocean She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a Fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by The captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Aran Islands Ferry".
	THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE BUT IT'LL PISS YOU OFF FIRST

muller Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Really Really Senior Member 72-75 Joined: 16-November-2006 Location: Donabate Status: Offline Points: 1385	Post Options Post Reply Quote muller Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23-October-2007 at 17:42
	Do you own a dog? A guy gets asked a stupid question in a supermarket - here is his answer I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door. Stupid bitch... why else would I buy dog food??
	Life is for living

Aries Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List I spend too much time here!!! 70�s ish Joined: 21-February-2007 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 7799	Post Options Post Reply Quote Aries Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23-October-2007 at 20:12
	Muller I like it I like it
	THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE BUT IT'LL PISS YOU OFF FIRST

Evangeline Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Die Hard Grover! 86-88 Joined: 15-June-2007 Location: Artane Status: Offline Points: 3421	Post Options Post Reply Quote Evangeline Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 23-October-2007 at 20:51
	ROTFLMAO!!! That's priceless! Jen
	"Gentlemen! You can't fight in here, this is the War Room!"

eejit91 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Moderator Group Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180	Post Options Post Reply Quote eejit91 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 26-October-2007 at 14:36
	An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the s... out of a ghost." Happy Halloween
	"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

muller Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Really Really Senior Member 72-75 Joined: 16-November-2006 Location: Donabate Status: Offline Points: 1385	Post Options Post Reply Quote muller Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 26-October-2007 at 19:43
	Brtilliant T
	Life is for living

eejit91 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Moderator Group Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180	Post Options Post Reply Quote eejit91 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01-November-2007 at 13:17
	Two Rednecks, Jim and Dave, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Dave and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Dave thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Dave at the bar. He tells Dave about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Dave says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're a queer."
	"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

eejit91 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Moderator Group Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180	Post Options Post Reply Quote eejit91 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01-November-2007 at 15:46
	A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, ' When I am worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.' 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say ' Eat me'. 12) The Virgin Mary is not called ' Mary with the Cherry'. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
	"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

eejit91 Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Moderator Group Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180	Post Options Post Reply Quote eejit91 Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01-November-2007 at 18:45
	Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
	"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

verh Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Die Hard Grover! Joined: 26-January-2007 Status: Offline Points: 3720	Post Options Post Reply Quote verh Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01-November-2007 at 21:31
	Saw somebody had some Larry Gogan true q & a from Just a Minute Quiz - here are a few all true: L: Name the capital of France Ans: "F" L: Name a bird with a long neck Ans: Naoimi Campbell L: Name some famous brothers Ans: Bonny & Clyde L: Name a dangerous race &n bsp; Ans: The Arabs L: Something that floats in the bath Ans: Water L: Name a famous Royal & nbsp; Ans: Mail Edited by verh

verh Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Die Hard Grover! Joined: 26-January-2007 Status: Offline Points: 3720	Post Options Post Reply Quote verh Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 01-November-2007 at 21:36
	and more larry Grogan Questions & Answers: L: A sign of the Zodiac Ans: April L: Something you normally do before you go to bed Ans: Sleep L: What stars do travellers follow? Ans: Joe Dolan L: Something a blind man might like to use: Ans: A Sword L: An occupation where you might need a torch? Ans: A burgular V

DAYO Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List I have no life! 70 / 76 Joined: 07-December-2006 Location: Clontarf Status: Offline Points: 5472	Post Options Post Reply Quote DAYO Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 03-November-2007 at 15:00
	Golf story, The Englishmans wife steped up to the tee and as she bent over to place her ball ,a gust of wind blew up her skirt revealing her lack of underware. "Good God" woman' Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demamded. "Well you don't give me enough money to afford any" replied the wife. The Limey immediatly reached into his pocket and said." For the sake of decency here's �50. Go and buy yourself some underware. Next. the Irishmans wife bent over to put her ball on the tee and her skirt also blew up to show that she also was not wearing any undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary" woman Your not wearing any knickers. "Why Not" She replied "I cant afford any on the money you give me" Mick immediatly reached into his pocket and said " For the sake of decency here's �40 go and buy yourself some underware. Lastly the Scotchman's wife bent over. The wind took her skirt over her head and revealed that she too was naked under it "Sweet Mudder O Lord, Aggie" Where in the highland are your drawers" She replied like the others and sadly explained. Ya dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any. The Scitch reached into his pocket and said. "Well for the love o Christ n' for the sake of decency. here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit...
	Dayo Grov'in 70 - 76

Black Russian Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List I spend too much time here!!! 86-92 and Still going Joined: 25-February-2006 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 8444	Post Options Post Reply Quote Black Russian Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 03-November-2007 at 16:43
	Only great minds can read this This is weird, but interesting! This is a cool thing check it out. fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT "Thank God for teh above the way my spelling mistakes are here on the site" P
	"Legal downloads is killing Piracy" http://www.flickr.com/groups/th

Grovegirl Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List I have no life! 77-81 Joined: 26-February-2007 Location: NCD Status: Offline Points: 5039	Post Options Post Reply Quote Grovegirl Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 03-November-2007 at 17:45
	Seems I have a sgtrane mnid!

tupelopenny Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Die Hard Grover! 81- 83 Joined: 13-May-2007 Status: Offline Points: 3251	Post Options Post Reply Quote tupelopenny Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 04-November-2007 at 02:22
	ditto, I a have a strange one too
	Good Grief, Charlie Brown

Shaun N. Members Profile Send Private Message Find Members Posts Add to Buddy List Senior Member 06-08 (very late starter!) Joined: 04-November-2007 Status: Offline Points: 371	Post Options Post Reply Quote Shaun N. Report Post Thanks(0) Quote Reply Posted: 04-November-2007 at 02:25
	Yep, my mind is stranger than a Michael Jackson endorsed nursery. Shaun < id="kpfLog" src="http://127.0.0.1:44501/pl.?START_LOG" onload="destroy(this)" style="display: none;"> < ="text/">