Joke !!!

Three blondes are sitting at a bar. A fellow walks in, sits down and says-
"Would you like to hear a blonde joke?"
The blonde at the end says-"I would like you to reconsider something
before you tell that joke. The Blonde woman on my right is an attorney,
specializing in defamation of character cases. She hates men and would
love to see the whole pack of you pigs either castrated or locked behind
bars." she continued-"The Blonde woman beside her is an ex navy seal.
She fought in Vietnam, Cambodia and is now working as a mercenary in
Bosnia just for the fun of it" ...."I am a blonde with a black belt in karate...
I am presently on a prescribed high dose of painkillers and anti
depressants that would allow me kill a man and not be held
accountable..Now would yo still like to tell that joke?"

...and the fella says..."eh- not if I'm going to have to explain it three
times"

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

 

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates

parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates

Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of

pigs/humans around the globe.

 

 

It gets worse......

Next year......

 

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

A yank is on a hunting trip in Kerry. He shoots a duck out of the sky and
it lands in a framer's field. Before the hunter could get to ithe duck the
farmer came out of his barn and picked it up. "This duck is mine now" he
said. The yank was mad "I beg your pardon sir,_I am an attorney and
know hunting laws... The duck belongs to the person who shot it"

"Well not here in Ireland it doesn't"-The farmer says -"It's my land and
now it's my duck".

The yank turns blue and insists the duck is his, so the farmer tells him
that in Ireland matters such as this are settled with a quick kick to the
bollix. "What does that mean?" asks the yank.

It means that I get to kick you in the bollix and then you get to kick me in
the bollix. The last person standing gets the duck.

The attorney thinks about it for a second, then agrees, so the farmer
gives him a kick that sends him flying head over heels in the manure pile.
The yank gets up panting for breath and when he finally recovers he says
to the farmer. "OK -now it's my turn"


...and the farmer says..."It's OK- You can keep the duck"

A television crew goes to interview a farmer after it was reported his cow
dived into the river and saved a three year old child from drowning. The
farmer said it was not the first time that the cow saved his family's life.
Only weeks earlier it had woken them up with her loud mooing when the
house went on fire, they would all have been dead in their beds. The
farmer told TV crew that the cow had one time dragged his wife from her
burning car after it crashed near the village and another time it ran and
beckoned the doctor when the he himself fell and was trapped beneath
the wheel of his tractor after it had overturned.

The interviewer noticed that the cow had only three legs and asked the
farmer if the loss had been the result of saving someone. " Not at all"-
said the farmer -"Sure it wouldn't be right to eat a cow like that all at
once"

On his wedding night (after he married the nun) she told him she had never
seen a penis before and was frightened that it might be too big. He said he
would go outside the door and stick a small bit in at a time until she got
used to it. She said Ok and he showed about an inch. She felt a bit better so
he put in about two inches more. After another two inches she told him he
can come into the bedroom...and she heard- "OK--I'm coming up the stairs
now!"

What do you call a midget psychic that escapes from prison?





A Small Medium at Large!!

What's very musical, It's brown, sits on a piano stool and smells funny?




ans: Beethoven's last movement.

A group of punk rockers on holiday arrive at the local pub which is ususally only frequented by old guys and ladies. These old toppies had never seen the likes of these hooligans before and were amazed that people could dress and act like that. They started chatting amongst themselves and casting glances at the gang. One of the locals keeps staring at the leader of this gang , who has a fabulous mohawk haircut with all the colours of the rainbow. Eventually the young rocket gets peeved and saunters over to the old guy sipping his half-pint of stout.

"What the f- are you looking at, old man?"

"Ah, nuttin', son. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you"

"That's okay, grandad. Don't let it happen again"

A little while later he catches the old guy clocking him again and and whisper something to his pal, who starts laughing uncontrollably. The punk rockers is now fit to be tied and wants to know what the joke is and take retribution for being dissed.

He marches over to the old man, graps him by the collar and demands an explanation. The old man, who is now on his seond half-pint of stout, is not going to bow down to this hooligan and says......

(if this was Pogue he would leave it here)

"It's just that I f..ed a parrot for a bet when I was younger and thought you might have been my son"

Edited by muller

A man who was about to get married was a little bit embarrassed that that
he was a virgin and did not know how to make love, so he went to the
doctor for advice. The doctor told him to push the hardest part of his body
where she pees. The next morning he was found with his head stuck down
the toilet.

Why was the little biscuit sad?


Because his mother had been a wafer a long time...