Joke !!!

I'm not going to tell another joke that I wouldn't tell in front of the pope:

I was hoping Ratsinburgerandfries would call himself Pope George Ringo the
1st

I love the way it rubs against the soft pink flesh.. and creates a creamy
foamy liquid as it moves in and out, up and down... Can’t wait to brush my
teeth.

...what?

Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm paranoid...................
What the **** are you looking at!



Edited by Chris Rooney

Ahhhhhhhhhhh I see were back at it again! Have not been out on the joke site for a while....

 

These came from the annual "Dark and Stormy Night" competition.
Actual
analogies and metaphors found in high school essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.



2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just
before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling
ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
you fry
them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East
River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20.. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating
for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a
real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as
if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to a
piece of paper.

 

Brill !

Teacher to her young class "right' i'd like you to give me a sentence with the word Lovely in it" First kid: "My mammy put up new curtains in our house & they are lovely" "Very good, next" Second kid: "My daddy got me a puppy & it's lovely" "Excellent said the teacher. Little johnny: "Miss miss miss" 'Yes Johnny go ahead" "Miss, last night my sister came in & told me da she's going to have a baby, & he said "Lovely f*****g lovely!



Edited by Chris Rooney

OK Pogue...you finally came thru....

Jazus I'm still laughing.....

Two Dubliners die and go up to heaven. Saint peter meets them at the
Pearly Gates and checks his big book. "We cant let you in" he said
"Dubliners are notorious crooks and gangsters...You rob and steal
everything that is not nailed down and not one of you can be trusted".
Peter goes back and tells god about what happened with the Dublin
fellows, and God chastised him for being so unforgiving. "We can't
profess to be all that is good and pure while casting judgement on a
whole group of people. Go back to the Pearly Gates this minute and let
those two chaps in."
Saint Peter leaves, but arrives back in a few minutes without the two
Dubliners. God asks Peter where they are, and Saint Peter says "They are
gone" and God asks "The Dubliners are gone?" and Saint Peter says "No-
-the Pearly Gates".