Joke !!!

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened..'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the
car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but
don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.



I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

 

A lady in troubled circumstances had to put here identical twin boys up for adoption.

One went to Spain where he was called Jaun (Wan ) and the other to Dubai where he was called Imaal.

When Jaun reached eighteen he traced his natural mother and they met. They got on so well that after the visit she just had to meet her other son Imaal.

She had since married and was discussing the propect of flying to Dubai to see him when her husband said

" I don't know why you need to spend all our money flying to Dubai "

" after all ..seen Juan you've seen Imaal "

( Maybe this should go into the Dondon and Pogue thread )

Biker Pat wrote: I nearly wet myself when I saw this.

Maybe you should try some of these Pat.

http://www.padsincontinence.com/ 

Edited by Rolo

Brian Cowen meets with the Queen of  England and asks her, how
come she
has
 such an efficient Parliament?

  "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to
surround
 yourself with intelligent people."

Cowen frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really
 intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask
them
 to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button.
 "Please send Gordon Brown in here, would you?"

Brown walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Gordon. Your mother
and
 father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
 sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Brown answers, "That would be
me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.



  Cowen returns to Dublin and asks Martin Cullen, the same
question.
 "Martin. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
 child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is
it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cullen "Let me get back to you on that
one."
 He goes to his advisors but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he
 ends up in the toilet and recognises Willie O Dea's shoes in
the next
 cubicle.

Cullen asks, "William! Can you answer this for me? Your mother
and
 father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Willie O Dea yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cullen smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak
with
 Cowen.

"Howya, I did some research and I have the answer to that
riddle.
 It's Willie O' Dea."

Cowen gets up, stomps over to Cullen, and angrily yells into his
 face,

 "No, you idiot! It's Gordon  Brown!"



Now you know why we're f****d



Edited by grainne_witch

A man & his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when she suddenly died. The undertaker said it'd cost €5000 to ship her home or €50 to bury her there, so the hubby decides to ship her home. "But sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land & save the money" said the undertaker. The husband said "A long time ago a man named Jesus was buried here & three days later he rose from the dead......... I ain't taking the f*****g chance!"

A man's ever nagging wife dies and as they are carrying her coffin from the
church they bump against a pillar. Suddenly the lid opens and she wakes
up. She goes on to live another ten years before she finally dies again. As
the pallbearers lift her and start to walk towards the door the husband says
-"Watch out for that pillar there lads".

I'm lonely over there. Dondon deserted me and I only have good jokes left.

Got this on my phone from a vinyl legend.

There are three dolls in a man's life.

1 His daughter ..... Baby Doll

2. His mistress.......Barbie Doll

3 His wife .............Panadol

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,   when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!'    And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!