RoundaboutToo’s Jokes only thread
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Category: Non Grove Related Stuff
Forum Name: Fun Stuff
Forum Description: Fun Threads
URL: http://www.theGroveSocialClub.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=1014
Printed Date: 20-March-2026 at 18:31
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Topic: RoundaboutToo’s Jokes only thread
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Subject: RoundaboutToo’s Jokes only thread
Date Posted: 22-June-2011 at 13:58
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Replies:
Posted By: RoundaboutToo!
Date Posted: 22-June-2011 at 14:22
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Thanks PM! I think it's going to be quiet in here....
My dream of being an archeologist ended when I realised my career was in ruins.
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Posted By: RoundaboutToo!
Date Posted: 22-June-2011 at 14:25
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A grasshopper walks into a bar The barman says 'we have a drink named after you' |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 22-June-2011 at 20:37
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What succeeds?
a gummy budgie |
Posted By: RoundaboutToo!
Date Posted: 23-June-2011 at 00:54
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My mate got a great tattoo of a microsoft spreadsheet on his back.. I think he's really Excelled himself this time. |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 23-June-2011 at 04:16
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Waiter ...do you have frog legs?
Oui monsieur Hop over there and get me a beer. |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 23-June-2011 at 04:17
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Two tramps walk into an expensive restaurant.
"Can we have a table near the door please" |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 23-June-2011 at 04:21
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What did the bunny rabbit say when he put his shoes on the wrong feet?
Mixxupmetoeses |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 23-June-2011 at 04:23
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Jimmy, looking at menu-"What is soup du jour?"
Pete-"It's mushroom...I had it yesterday" |
Posted By: RoundaboutToo!
Date Posted: 24-June-2011 at 15:20
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I had a Pelican curry yesterday - very tasty, but the bill was enormous. |
Posted By: Grovegirl
Date Posted: 24-June-2011 at 15:25
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Roundy...Nice to see Pogue is giving you a helping hand to get started! ------------- GG |
Posted By: RoundaboutToo!
Date Posted: 24-June-2011 at 15:29
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yes gg, he's not here today as his hamster died fell asleep at the wheel... |
Posted By: monarch
Date Posted: 24-June-2011 at 18:17
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A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus" ------------- There is a crack in everything ...... that's how the light gets in |
Posted By: monarch
Date Posted: 24-June-2011 at 18:20
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After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my boll..!" ------------- There is a crack in everything ...... that's how the light gets in |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 25-June-2011 at 11:56
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An explorer is walking through a jungle in deepest Africa. As he was
crossing a river he looked at the ground and saw a cricket ball. "Amazing!" he said "To find a cricket ball here in the middle of nowhere". Two days later as he was settling down for the night he looked at the4 ground and saw another cricket ball. "Amazing!" he said "Another cricket ball, out here in the middle of nowhere". Three days later he is trudging through the jungle, looked down into a ditch and saw ... ...a castrated cricket. |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 25-June-2011 at 15:36
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How can you know if a boy baby is more ticklish than a girl baby?
testicles |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 25-June-2011 at 15:39
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Two babies lying in their cots in the maternity ward. One says to the other-
"Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?". The baby peeks under the sheets and says-"I'm a boy baby". The first baby asks-"How do you know?" and the other baby says_ 'Im wearing blue booties" |
Posted By: DONDON
Date Posted: 28-June-2011 at 16:30
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A Man with 3.1415927 eyes walked into a bar.The Barman said" I'm sorry Sir I can't serve you..You're already Pi eyed"
THE ISLE OF DOGS BANK HAS COLLASPED.THEY'VE CALLED IN THE RETRIVERS ------------- Grover from 73(old Grove) In the year of the bankers and developers When recession raged across the land there were many driven by the hopelessness to set sail for the Americas and Australia |
Posted By: DONDON
Date Posted: 28-June-2011 at 16:36
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I went to see my friends new baby today.She asked me to wind it. But I though that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a dead leg ------------- Grover from 73(old Grove) In the year of the bankers and developers When recession raged across the land there were many driven by the hopelessness to set sail for the Americas and Australia |
Posted By: DONDON
Date Posted: 28-June-2011 at 16:49
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Amy Winehouse was disapointed when it was explained to her that she won five Grammys and not five grammes
A houseowner complained to a workman he had hired."I gave you a list of eight jobs to do around the house, but you've only done numbers one three five and seven......The workman replied "That's because I'm an odd job man"
------------- Grover from 73(old Grove) In the year of the bankers and developers When recession raged across the land there were many driven by the hopelessness to set sail for the Americas and Australia |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 28-June-2011 at 19:51
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Had a bowl of pelican soup yesterday. Everything was nice until I saw the bill
I was going to join a debating society but my friend talked me out of it. |
Posted By: RoundaboutToo!
Date Posted: 30-June-2011 at 01:13
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What's yellow and can't swim? A Bulldozer. |
Posted By: RoundaboutToo!
Date Posted: 30-June-2011 at 01:14
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What is Red and smells like blue paint? Red Paint. |
Posted By: RoundaboutToo!
Date Posted: 30-June-2011 at 01:17
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What's white and can't climb trees? Toothpaste. 
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Posted By: RoundaboutToo!
Date Posted: 30-June-2011 at 15:26
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What's white and stays in the corner? A fridge. |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 30-June-2011 at 19:50
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What's the difference between an elephant and an orange? ? ? i'm never sending you to the shops for an orange. |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 30-June-2011 at 19:51
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Whats black and white and uses terrible language?
Sister Mary f**kface |
Posted By: monarch
Date Posted: 09-July-2011 at 16:58
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A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say." The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!" ------------- There is a crack in everything ...... that's how the light gets in |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 10-July-2011 at 19:18
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A blind man is waiting to cross the road when hi guide dog lifts his leg and
pees on his shoe. The blind man bends and pats the dog on his head. A man passing comments to the blind man how decent he is to pat the dog after it peed on him and the blind man says-" I just want to find out where his head is so I can kick him in the arse". |
Posted By: monarch
Date Posted: 22-July-2011 at 14:34
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What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?
Pregnant. ------------- There is a crack in everything ...... that's how the light gets in |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 25-July-2011 at 02:45
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What would you get if you injected glucose into Brendanfella's brain?
Sweet f**k all.
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Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 25-July-2011 at 02:47
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What's the difference between Jedward and a bucket of sh*te?
The bucket |
Posted By: monarch
Date Posted: 05-August-2011 at 13:42
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Two fish in a tank and one turns to the other and says " how do you drive this thing". ------------- There is a crack in everything ...... that's how the light gets in |
Posted By: DONDON
Date Posted: 05-August-2011 at 13:53
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A Man bought a slave who died soon after.
When he complained, the slave seller replied"Well, he didn't die when I owned him !
Definition of testiculation
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks
Two dyslexic men were working in the kitchen.
The first said"Can you smell gas"
The second replied: "I can't even smell my own name ".
 ------------- Grover from 73(old Grove) In the year of the bankers and developers When recession raged across the land there were many driven by the hopelessness to set sail for the Americas and Australia |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 21-August-2011 at 03:14
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What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? "Where's my tractor?" ... Mick needs to paint his house but doesn't know how much paint to buy. His wife tells him “Jimmy has the same house we do, and he just painted his house. Why don't you ask him how much paint he bought?" Mick thinks this is a good idea. He tells Jimmy "I am painting my house, and because you have the same house, I would like to know how much paint you bought when you painted your house". Jimmy tells him "I bought 14 gallons of paint". Mick buys 14 gallons of paint and has 8 gallons left over. He tells Jimmy "I bought 14 gallons of paint and had 8 gallons leftover". Jimmy says "So did I". |
Posted By: muller
Date Posted: 22-August-2011 at 19:15
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A retired civil servant thought it would be a good idea to hire a handyman to do all the jobs his wife had been nagging him about. He puts an advert in the local newspaper and sits back dreaming about his handicap coming down. Lo and behold he only had one applicant but he decided to interview him that evening. "The first job you'll need to do will be to trim the hedgerow. When you're finished that you should rake the leaves and put them in the compost heap" "Oh, I couldn't do that sir. I suffer from hay fever"
Rats, thought the civili servant. I suppose I could do this myself once a week if he can do the other jobs.
"Right, you can start by cleaning the gutters and painting them"
"Sorry, sir. I couldn't do that"
Why not?" says the man, becoming exasperated.
"Well, sir. I'm scared of heights"
"Can you move the rocks from the driveway to the back garden?"
"Sorry Sir, I've a bad back"
"You can't do gardening because of your hay fever, you can't do gutters because you're scared of heights and you can't move rocks becasue you have a bad back. You did read my ad where I said that I needed a handyman?"
"Yes sir, I did. I'm very handy. I just live around the corner" ------------- Life is for living |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 22-August-2011 at 19:43
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A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a ......................beer" And the bartender says -"Sure, but why the big paws?"
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Posted By: RoundaboutToo!
Date Posted: 03-September-2011 at 00:53
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I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess.
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Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 03-September-2011 at 03:51
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A woman is in the supermarket and fills her cart with a packet of sausages, one quart of milk, a dozen eggs, three tubs of ice cream, four apples, a bottle of wine and a quarter pound of ham. A man walks up to her and says-"I bet you are single " and she says -"Yes I am, how did you know?" and he says -"Your'e ugly".
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Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 03-September-2011 at 22:36
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Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 03-September-2011 at 22:37
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Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy? Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd be Aspro tablets! |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 06-September-2011 at 14:47
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