jokes
Printed From: The Grove Social Club
Category: Non Grove Related Stuff
Forum Name: Fun Stuff
Forum Description: Fun Threads
URL: http://www.theGroveSocialClub.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=1161
Printed Date: 03-May-2025 at 16:03
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 12.05 - http://www.webwizforums.com
Topic: jokes
Posted By: brianj
Subject: jokes
Date Posted: 30-October-2015 at 09:30
|
Sex on the Sabbath A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." |
Replies:
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 30-October-2015 at 11:59
Welcome to the forum Brian. With jokes as bad as that you are going to fit right in here
|
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 30-October-2015 at 13:33
|
Welcome back Brian. Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. As Pogue says, you'll fit right in here. ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 31-October-2015 at 04:18
|
Ok how about this one
|
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 31-October-2015 at 13:50
|
An old man enters a confessional and proudly exclaims, "Father, I have
to tell you what happened to me last night. I'm 90 years old, and I
made love to two 18-year-old women for eight hours!" The stern priest replies, "That is a sin. I will have to give you a penance." "Father, you can't give me a penance." "Why not?" "Because I'm Jewish." The perplexed Father asks, "Then why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everyone!" ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 31-October-2015 at 20:01
|
I think DonDon sent that Brian guy in here. Two kids were playing with a worm in its hole when their grandad came along and said- "I'll give you a fiver if you can get that worm back in the hole". The first kid got a piece of string, tied the worm to an ice pop stick and pushed it back into the hole. The grandad gave him a fiver.
The next day the kid came along with another fiver and when the second kid asked where he got it he said "Granny gave it to me" |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 01-November-2015 at 00:06
|
Pogue Mahoney wrote:Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 01-November-2015 at 13:15
|
Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.” The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.” ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 01-November-2015 at 23:41
|
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 02-November-2015 at 02:11
|
A man had an interview for a very important job. If he was not there at exactly 10am on Thursday morning the doors would be locked and he would miss his chance. The traffic was terrible and and he arrived in the parking lot at 9.55am. There was not one parking spot to be found. At 9.77 he cried out to the heavens -“Jesus, if you find me a parking spot I swear I will go to mass every Sunday, I'll give generously to charity and I swear to help my fellow man in times of need”. Just then a car reversed out of a parking spot and the man shouted-”Don’t worry Jesus...I found one!” |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 02-November-2015 at 16:19
|
This is deffo a Dondon joke. An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 05-November-2015 at 11:46
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 05-November-2015 at 11:47
|
YOUR PARROT IS DEAD, SENOR At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.' 'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?' 'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead' 'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?' 'Is, Senor, that's the one.' 'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?' 'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.' 'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?' 'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.' 'Dead horse? What dead horse?' 'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.' 'My prize thoroughbred is dead?' 'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.' 'Are you insane?? What water cart?' 'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.' 'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??' 'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.' 'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!' 'Yes, Senor Rod.' 'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?' 'For the funeral, Senor Rod.' 'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!' 'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made R580 XD golf club.' SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . 'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!!' http://dublinforum.net/forum/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=117181" rel="nofollow -
|
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 05-November-2015 at 13:03
|
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but only one can get into the pearly gates. St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself. St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest. St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly. When Dolly asks St. Peter why Elizabeth was let in, Peter replies, "A royal flush beats a wild pair." ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 05-November-2015 at 20:50
|
dondon joke One penguin says to aother penguin -"You look like you are wearing a tuxedo" The other penguin says _"How do you know I'm not?)
|
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 05-November-2015 at 21:01
|
What did the cowboy do when he fell into a barrel of glue? He stuck to his guns A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables under his arm. The bartender says -"I'll get you a drink but you better not start anything."
|
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 05-November-2015 at 21:04
|
Whats green and flies over Poland? Peter Panski
|
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 05-November-2015 at 21:09
| A man in a hotel calls the front desk and tells the receptionist that his wife has gone berserk and is trying to jump out the window. She tells him that is not a maintenance issue and he should call the cops, and he tells her that she can't get the window open. |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 05-November-2015 at 21:17
|
A man is sitting in his hotel room when a knock cames to the door -"What do you want?" he asks. A voice answers -"I have a telegram for you." The man is fed up tipping every time he gets room service so says -"Stick it under the door please." and the voice answers - "I can't, It's on a plate"
|
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 05-November-2015 at 21:25
| A man and a woman are about to make love when she says _ "I should tell you first... I have acute angina" and he says -" Your breasts are not too bad either." |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 05-November-2015 at 21:33
|
Did you hear about the invisible woman? She was very nice but wasn't much to look at.
|
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 06-November-2015 at 09:24
The 12 Days of ChristmasDecember 14, 1972My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 15, 1972 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16, 1972 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes December 17, 1972 Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 1972 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19, 1972 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes December 20, 1972 John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 1972 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass. Agnes December 22, 1972 Hey sh*thead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours! Agnes December 23, 1972 You rotten prick: Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh*t. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you! Agnes December 24, 1972 Listen f**khead: What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes December 25, 1972 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 07-November-2015 at 11:58
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 07-November-2015 at 11:59
|
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot... ‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked. The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' 'Sure will ' The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. 'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'You bet it will,' said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. 'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'!!!!!!! __________________
|
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 07-November-2015 at 19:27
| It would be a much better world if chickens were allowed cross the road without having their motives questioned. |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 08-November-2015 at 11:07
|
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious." 
|
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 09-November-2015 at 14:08
|
A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat. "Care to go to bed?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead." So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?" "No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep. The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..." "Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 09-November-2015 at 14:09
|
One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says, "Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean." Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again. "Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?" ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 09-November-2015 at 22:50
| A man in Canada says to his wife - "The lake is frozen...could you walk across to the off-license and get me a case of beer? Tell Joe to put the $20 on credit". His wife knows he has $20 and asks why he's buying the beer on credit and he says -"I don't know how thick the ice is" |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 10-November-2015 at 10:18
|
An Irishman chasing a ambulance... Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air. As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it. A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter. Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your damned ice cream!' ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 10-November-2015 at 11:42
|
The Hotel Bill An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast." The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," she said. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." Don't mess with Elderly Ladies!!! 
|
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 13-November-2015 at 04:26
|
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation Coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.
So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.
But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
|
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 13-November-2015 at 14:03
|
A man goes to the doctor for his wife's test results. Mr Smith : "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results." Receptionist : "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows Aids!" Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?" Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her." ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 13-November-2015 at 23:57
|
Good one Pat
|
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 15-November-2015 at 11:56
|
A DonDon Joke You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.  |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 15-November-2015 at 12:11
|
The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's
a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink,
and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink." Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!" ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 25-November-2015 at 11:48
|
History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word: 10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC 9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC 8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566 7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877 6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926 5th - "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937 4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938 3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963 AND ... drum roll please ... The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word ...... "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009 
|
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 25-November-2015 at 13:06
|
Murphy, O’Shea & Mullligan go for a job on a building site, but have
been told beforehand that the foreman dislikes the Irish. Murphy
suggest to the other two that they give English sounding names.O’Shea
goes in first to to interview foreman asks him his name,O'Shea looks out
window & sees a Woolworth store.My name is F W Woolworth, get out
shouts the foreman. Mulligan goes in same question he looks out window
and sees a shoe shop, my name is Freeman Hardy Willis, get out shouts
the foreman. Murphy is last in an exasperated foreman asks what’s your
name, Murphy has good look out of window and replies Ken, thank Christ
for that says foreman, Ken who?Tuckey Fried Chicken says Murphy.
------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 12-December-2015 at 13:27
|
Chinese Tour Guide in Shanghai... There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements. She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh" Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality! But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429
|
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 12-December-2015 at 19:41
|
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said,'Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.' Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?' The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel!!!." ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 13-December-2015 at 10:36
|
Would You Get Married Again? ------------------------- A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question. WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: -- silence- HUSBAND: "sh*t."  |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 14-December-2015 at 21:45
|
Three men walk into a bar: a Frenchman, an Italian and an Irishman. Each
orders one beer. Three flys fly into the bar and one fly lands in each
man's beer. The Italian man plucks the fly out of his beer, says "tutto e bene" (all is well)" and drinks the beer. The Frenchman shows his beer with the bug still inside it to the bartender and demands another beer. The Irishman yanks the bug out of the beer, grabs it by it's wings, shakes it while yelling "Cough it up, you wee theivin' bastard!" ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 15-December-2015 at 00:04
|
Jesus walks into a restaurant with four thousand of his friends. He looks at the menu and orders five loaves and two fishes I just made that up...stolen from the "I'll have a water and could you put it in a wine glass" joke
 |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 15-December-2015 at 00:09
|
If baby Jesus had believed in Santa Claus I bet he would have asked for gold, frankincense and myrrh in his stocking. I made that one up too
 |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 15-December-2015 at 11:23
|
Angus McEwan was very fond of the drink and one night while walking
home, passed out in the middle of the street. Along came Molly Malone
and saw Angus lying in the street. She walked up to Angus and whispered
in his ear, "Angus I have been watching you and to let you know that I
have been watching you, I am going to give you something to remember me
by". She pulled out a blue ribbon from her hair and tied it around
Angus's twig and berries and soon she was on her way. A half an hour
later, Angus woke up and stumble home the rest of the way. When he
arrived at home, he went to the head and pulled out his unit to find the
blue ribbon tied nicely around his johnson. Angus stated, "Laddie, I
don't know where you been, but you won first prize".
------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 16-December-2015 at 10:35
|
Civilization in 2015 - this is priceless!!! |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 22-December-2015 at 12:16
|
A man's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!" "Why do you say that?" he asks. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again." ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:27
|
Private Jones tried to sneak a quick smoke while on guard duty. In the last second he sees an officer turn the corner, and he quickly pops the still burning fag into the hollow of his mouth. As the officer approaches, it's obvious that he's noticed the tobacco smell. "Are you smoking, soldier?", he snaps. "No, sir!", whispers the private in a very muffled voice. -"what's that in your mouth, soldier?" -"chocolate, sir!" -"really? There's smoke coming out of it", the officer continues. -"yessir! It's cooking chocolate, sir!" |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:27
|
What's a Cangeroot? A. A Scotsman locked in a toilet! |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:29
|
A Glaswegian was getting dressed on the morning of his wedding. He has had a kilt specially made. He puts it on and his best man says, " What's the tartan?" " She's wearing white" |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:30
|
What do you call cheese that's not yours? Nacho cheese! |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:32
|
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that The Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth to live the life of anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren she's a lovely lady and a great Italian woman and role model' And *poof* she's gone. The second says, 'I want to be Madonna, although sometimes controversial she's a great entertainer.’ And *poof* she's gone. The third says, 'I want to be Sarah Pipalini' St. Peter looks confused. 'Who?' he asks 'Sarah Pipalini,' replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell.' The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. 'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.' Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that The Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth to live the life of anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren she's a lovely lady and a great Italian woman and role model' And *poof* she's gone. The second says, 'I want to be Madonna, although sometimes controversial she's a great entertainer.’ And *poof* she's gone. The third says, 'I want to be Sarah Pipalini' St. Peter looks confused. 'Who?' he asks 'Sarah Pipalini,' replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell.' The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. 'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.' Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that The Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth to live the life of anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren she's a lovely lady and a great Italian woman and role model' And *poof* she's gone. The second says, 'I want to be Madonna, although sometimes controversial she's a great entertainer.’ And *poof* she's gone. The third says, 'I want to be Sarah Pipalini' St. Peter looks confused. 'Who?' he asks 'Sarah Pipalini,' replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell.' The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. 'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.' |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:34
|
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:36
|
A pastor keeps poultry on church premises one evening his prize cockerel escapes Next morning in church he asks “who has a cock”all the men stood up No I mean who has seen a cock Some of the women stood up No I mean who has seen a cock that’s not theirs Half the church stood up Oh for goodness sake, who has seen my cock? All the choir boys stood up 
|
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:39
|
My wife sent me a text saying she was in casualty I switched on the tv watched for 50 minutes and never saw her once. Hope she comes home soon im starving and want my dinner |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:40
| My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were €70! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:44
|
Frank Sinatra is dining in a restaurant when he is approached by a nervous looking young man. `Excuse me, Mr Sinatra but I wonder if you could help me ` stutters the youngster. `Maybe kid. What do you want?` asks Sinatra. `Well, I'm on a first date with a lady who would be really impressed if she thought you knew me. So if you could say a few words when I bring her in that would be great`. `Kid, you bring her in and leave the rest to me. What's your name?` says the main man. `Its Gary, Mr Sinatra...` Sure enough five minutes later Gary comes back in with a girl on his arm. Sinatra rises from his chair, extends his hand and says: `Hey, Gary! Long time no see, buddy. What have you been up to?` `Aww, !#$! off, Frank. Can't you see I'm with a lady...!` |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:46
|
Egyptian archaeologists have discovered a royal mummy embalmed with chocolate. They believe it to be the body of Pharaoh Rocher |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:48
|
Today I was getting an Indian tattooed on the full length of my back when I said to the tattooist. "Could you put a tomahawk in his hand please?", and the artist said "hold on I'm just finishing his Turban"......
|
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:50
| My wife has run off with the milkman - seeing them drive away on his milk float was the worst two hours of my life |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:51
|
A shopkeeper of the traditional type kept a feather beside his till. When he was asked why, he explained that if a customer left without their change, he would bang the feather on the counter to attract their attention.
|
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:52
| I was watching National Geographic Explorer the other day for their new special on modern-day cannibals. It was said they will eat any person they encounter except clowns, as they taste funny |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 10:57
|
Three little ducks go into a Bar....... 'What's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?' 'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. 'Oh! That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?' 'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked... 'Great.. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?' The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?' 'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles' 
|
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 11:46
|
Struggling to find a Christmas present for that special one? Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it. 
|
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 11:51
|
Two Eskimos paddling in a kayak became chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank--proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 11:55
|
One day a rabbit goes to the farmacy and asks-Do you sell drugs?the woman selling inside replies -No! Next day the rabbit comes again asking the same_Do you sell drugs?same reply -No! After several attempts the woman gets bored and thinks let's make his wish and tell him that we have. So the rabbit comes in ,asks-Do you sell drugs?the woman replies -Yes. The rabbit says -Your all under arrest! |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 12:02
|
A flea in Omar Shariff's moustache was bored, and phoned the flea agency telling them that he wanted another posting. The Flea Agency arranged for him to be moved to Raquel Welch's minge. Two days later the flea contacted the Agency complaining that he was back in Omar Shariff's moustache... 
|
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 12:14
|
You probably don't clean your computer screen very often and it is really hard to do the inside, so here is my present to you. click on the word HERE above and wait for a few seconds and the inside of your screen will be cleaned for you! |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 12:52
|
My mate just hired a new Eastern European cleaner; took her 5 hours to hoover the carpet - Turns out she was a Slovak. |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 12:53
|
Two men called at my door & asked what bread I ate. When I told them plain white they gave me a lecture - Turns out they were just hovis witnesses |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 12:56
|
A wife asks her husband, an engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs." |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 13:05
|
The Lone Ranger is captured by a band of Indians and taken back to their village where he is brought before the chief. The chief says that as a white man he must die, but before he is put to death he will be allowed three last wishes, one on each day. After the third day he will be put to death. On the first day the chief comes to him and asks if he has a wish. The Lone Ranger says he does, but he needs his horse Silver. They bring him Silver and he whispers in his ear and the horse takes off. About an hour later Silver comes back with a beautiful naked blond woman. The chief is shocked as the Lone Ranger and the woman go into the teepee and make passionate love. The second day the chief comes the Lone Ranger says I need Silver again. They bring Silver and again he whispers in his ear. Silver takes off like a shot and comes back about an hour later with a beautiful naked redhead. The Lone Ranger takes her into the teepee and makes passionate love. On the third day the chief comes to him and says, "I am very impressed with your wishes so far. It is almost a shame we have to kill you. Today is your last day and your last wish so make it a good one." The Lone Ranger again asks for Silver who is brought to him. The Lone Ranger walks over to Silver and whispers in his ear “For the last time I said go back to town and bring the posse.” |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 13:06
|
Q: Name two fish which begin and end with the letter 'K' A: The first is the 'Killer Shark', the second 'Kilmarnock'. But, said the victim, there isn't a fish called a 'Kilmarnock', it's a place in Scotland Quite so, said the perpetrator, it's a PLAICE in Scotland |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 13:07
|
A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into a bar.....the barman states to the bra.... 'Mate I can't serve you blokes'. The bra replies 'Why'? The barman replies 'Well mate your off your tits and your mate looks like he's about to start something'. |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 13:11
|
Rural Australian Computer Terminology A little bit of Aussie culcha LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season BYTE: What mozzies do MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do CHIP: A pub snack MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips MODEM: What you did to the lawns LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up WEB: What spiders make WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go UPGRADE: A steep hill SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net ONLINE: Where you hang the washing OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 13:14
|
I was in the pub the other night, got talking to an Irishman. He told me he was a member of the Lemon Order, I said " surely you mean the Orange Order? ", he replied " No, we're much more bitter than that. "
|
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 13:29
|
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me. Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 13:41
|
SCRABBLE Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect. P S N E I scroll down The two people who wrote SPINE became doctors... The rest of you are ........... |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 13:44
|
While attending a "Harmony For Couples" weekend, Terry and his partner, Linda, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower ?" Terry leaned over, touched Linda's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Odlams, isn't it ?" |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 14:05
|
Veet - the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) REVIEWS . 1.Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS. (I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.) 2.After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good " Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status... So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :- |
Posted By: Don Don
Date Posted: 30-December-2015 at 14:34
|
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some Of those tablets that 'help' you to get an erection. you should have seen her face when I came back And tossed her some diet pills! Im looking for a place to live at the moment |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 04-January-2016 at 10:30
|
60, 70 or 80 Such is life !!!! Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock -- no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?", "I don't wake up until 7:00." |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 04-January-2016 at 11:27
|
Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.” Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?” Other son said “Me too Dad.” Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?” The Daughter said “I do…” 10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.” Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.” In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.” I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?” “No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.” The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.” Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first…. My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you....he is in Prison. The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my fanny and you know what that means don't you?” I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.” Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Hang on just a minute…” I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?” He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.” Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward init?” “Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
|
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 17-January-2016 at 00:23
|
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Señor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Señor Roy." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Yes, Señor Roy." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Señor Roy." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft." SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE......... VERY LONG SILENCE………… "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t." |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 03-February-2016 at 11:43
|
Three Bulls Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine." The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows." They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend." The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm. The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!" |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 04-February-2016 at 03:20
|
A cop pulled a 94 year old man over for speeding at two in the morning. Suspecting he had been drinking the cop asked him were he was off to in such a hurry. The 94 yer old man told him -" I'm off to a lecture on the evils of drink, smoking too much and staying out way too late at night". The cop asked him who would be giving such a lecture at two in the morning and the man said -"My wife"
|
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 15-February-2016 at 11:15
|
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend"..... And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pyjamas.' The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, She does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. He continued, "But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?” You'll love the answer.
|
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 25-February-2016 at 22:47
|
Paddy English man Irish & Scots are on a train compartment together
with a hot babe & an old dear. The train goes through a
tunnel.........SMACK!!!!!!!! the train emerges from the tunnel. Paddy english man
has been decked and is on the floor holding his smacked puss. Hot babe
thinks "he just felt up the old dear thinking it was me & she decked
him". Old dear thinks "he just felt up that young girl & she decked
him ". Paddy Irish man thinks "I cant wait till the next tunnel so i can
smack that english bollix again"
------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 25-February-2016 at 22:51
|
Patrick O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest
of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top
prize for the best toast of the night. In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?" So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear." The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?" She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come". ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 28-February-2016 at 05:41
|
"THE HORTH WHITHPERER"
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?' and shows him the horse's mouth. head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 28-February-2016 at 12:55
|
A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession. "Father, forgive me for I have Thinned." "You've Thinned?" "Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times." "Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down." "Will that wash away me Thin?" "No, but it will get the silly smile off your face." ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 02-March-2016 at 15:39
|
Q : What do you call an Irish woman with two TWATS....? A : Jedward's Mum........ ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: joey the lips
Date Posted: 02-March-2016 at 16:35
|
------------- You can checkout anytime u like but u can never leave |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 02-March-2016 at 18:48
|
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette one day, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss. She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day. In the morning, the brunette says: "That was fun, we should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught." ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: brianj
Date Posted: 07-March-2016 at 12:05
|
A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says. 'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?' 'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off. 'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.' A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. 'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?' 'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.' 'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?' 'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!' 'I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?' The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.' 'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun. 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?' Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.' 'What?' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?' 'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'  http://dublinforum.net/forum/editpost.php?do=editpost&p=393250" rel="nofollow - |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 07-March-2016 at 14:10
|
Paddy and Sam are the only survivors from a horrible shipwreck, they are
traveling in a row boat when Sam discovers a bottle in the ocean, Paddy
rescues it from the water and pops the cork, instantly the bottle
started smoking, and a genie appeared. "I may grant you one wish" the
genie said to Sam. Sam thinks for a minute before he said "I wish that
the ocean was made purely of the best brewed beer known to man" the
genie clicks his fingers and the ocean changes it's colour and the genie
disappears along with the bottle. Meanwhile Paddy is shaking his head at Sam, and Paddy says "that's great Sam, just great, though you do realize that now we have to piss in the boat" ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 15-March-2016 at 10:19
|
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential
and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies. He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts." ------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
Posted By: joey the lips
Date Posted: 15-March-2016 at 12:51
|
------------- You can checkout anytime u like but u can never leave |
Posted By: Pogue Mahoney
Date Posted: 15-March-2016 at 17:58
| Paddy and Sam decide to go on a holiday. They see an add in the paper advertising holidays to Italy for $5. They buy two tickets and turn up in Howth where a man puts them into a rowboat hits them on their heads with an oar and pushes them out to sea. When they wake up Sam says to paddy-"I thought that price was a bit too good for a trip to Italy...and I bet the return trip isn't even included. and Paddy says-"It wasn't included last year" |
Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 16-March-2016 at 17:27
|
Murphy, O’Shea & Mullligan go for a job on a building site, but have
been told beforehand that the foreman dislikes the Irish. Murphy
suggest to the other two that they give English sounding names.O’Shea
goes in first to to interview foreman asks him his name,O'Shea looks out
window & sees a Woolworth store.My name is F W Woolworth, get out
shouts the foreman. Mulligan goes in same question he looks out window
and sees a shoe shop, my name is Freeman Hardy Willis, get out shouts
the foreman. Murphy is last in an exasperated foreman asks what’s your
name, Murphy has good look out of window and replies Ken, thank Christ
for that says the foreman, Ken who?Tuckey Fried Chicken says Murphy.
------------- May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride. Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |