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brianj View Drop Down
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    Posted: 30-October-2015 at 09:30
Sex on the Sabbath

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
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Pogue Mahoney View Drop Down
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Welcome to the forum Brian. With jokes as bad as that you are going to fit right in hereWink
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Biker Pat View Drop Down
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Welcome back Brian.

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

As Pogue says, you'll fit right in here. LOL
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.



Biker Pat



Grove 1972-1975
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brianj View Drop Down
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Ok how about this one

     

 




 

THE LONE RANGER'S LAST REQUEST

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured  BY AN ENEMY INDIAN WAR
PARTY.

The Indian Chief proclaims,
"SO, YOU ARE THE GREAT LONE RANGER"...

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three
days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'D LIKE TO SPEAK TO MY HORSE."

 

The Chief nods and Silver is brought  BEFORE THE LONE RANGER
WHO WHISPERS IN SILVER'S EAR,
and the Horse gallops away.

LATER THAT EVENING, SILVER RETURNS WITH A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WOMAN ON
HIS BACK.

AS THE INDIAN CHIEF WATCHES,
THE BLONDE ENTERS THE LONE RANGER'S TENT AND SPENDS THE NIGHT.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

 

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak TO HIS HORSE.

 

Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.


As before, Silver takes off and disappears Over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
THIS TIME WITH A VOLUPTUOUS BRUNETTE,
More ATTRACTIVE THAN THE BLONDE.

 

She enters the Lone Rangers tent AND SPENDS THE NIGHT.

The following morning the Indian Chief IS AGAIN IMPRESSED.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"BUT I WILL STILL KILL YOU TOMORROW."

"What is your LAST request?"

THE LONE RANGER RESPONDS, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

THE CHIEF IS CURIOUS, BUT HE AGREES, AND SILVER IS BROUGHT TO THE
LONE RANGER'S TENT.

Once THEY'RE ALONE, THE LONE RANGER GRABS SILVER BY BOTH EARS,
LOOKS HIM SQUARE IN THE
EYE AND SAYS,
"LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY!!!FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
  "BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
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Biker Pat View Drop Down
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An old man enters a confessional and proudly exclaims, "Father, I have to tell you what happened to me last night. I'm 90 years old, and I made love to two 18-year-old women for eight hours!"

The stern priest replies, "That is a sin. I will have to give you a penance."

"Father, you can't give me a penance."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm Jewish."

The perplexed Father asks, "Then why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everyone!"
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.



Biker Pat



Grove 1972-1975
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Pogue Mahoney View Drop Down
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I think DonDon sent that Brian guy in here.

 Two kids were playing with a worm in its hole when their grandad came along and said- "I'll give you a fiver if you can get that worm back in the hole". The first kid got a piece of string, tied the worm to an ice pop stick and pushed it back into the hole. The grandad gave him a fiver.
The next day the kid came along with another fiver and when the second kid asked where he got it he said "Granny gave it to me"
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brianj View Drop Down
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Originally posted by Pogue Mahoney Pogue Mahoney wrote:

I think DonDon sent that Brian guy in here.

 Two kids were playing with a worm in its hole when their grandad came along and said- "I'll give you a fiver if you can get that worm back in the hole". The first kid got a piece of string, tied the worm to an ice pop stick and pushed it back into the hole. The grandad gave him a fiver.
The next day the kid came along with another fiver and when the second kid asked where he got it he said "Granny gave it to me"


You tell me my jokes are bad I think you are DonDon with that joke TongueWinkLOL
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Biker Pat View Drop Down
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Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.



Biker Pat



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brianj View Drop Down
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Originally posted by Biker Pat Biker Pat wrote:

Johnny was playing outside when he really had to go to the bathroom. He runs in and his grandma was about to take a shower. He looks at her crotch and says, “Whats that?” She says, “Well, it's a beaver, Johnny.”

The next day the same thing happens, only his mom is taking the shower. He says, “Mom I know what that is. It's a beaver, but I think grandma's is dead because it's tongue is hanging out.”


Now that is funny  good one
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Pogue Mahoney View Drop Down
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A man had an interview for a very important job. If he was not there at exactly 10am on Thursday morning the doors would be locked and he would miss his chance.

The traffic was terrible and and he  arrived in the parking lot at 9.55am. There was not one parking spot to be found. At 9.77 he cried out to the heavens -“Jesus, if you find me a parking spot I swear I will go to mass every Sunday, I'll give generously to charity and  I swear to help my fellow man in times of need”. Just then a car reversed out of a parking spot and the man  shouted-”Don’t worry Jesus...I found one!”
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This is deffo a Dondon joke.

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.



Biker Pat



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brianj View Drop Down
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YOUR PARROT IS DEAD, SENOR


At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Is, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new tailor made R580 XD golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . . .





'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep trouble!!'
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Biker Pat View Drop Down
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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but only one can get into the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.

St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.

St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly. When Dolly asks St. Peter why Elizabeth was let in, Peter replies, "A royal flush beats a wild pair."
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.



Biker Pat



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Pogue Mahoney View Drop Down
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dondon joke

One penguin says to aother penguin -"You look like you are wearing a tuxedo"
The other penguin says _"How do you know I'm not?)
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What did the cowboy do when he fell into a barrel of glue?

He stuck to his guns

A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables under his arm.
The bartender says -"I'll get you a drink but you better not start anything."
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Whats green and flies over Poland?

Peter Panski
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Pogue Mahoney View Drop Down
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A man in a hotel calls the front desk and tells the receptionist that his wife has gone berserk and is trying to jump out the window. She tells him that is not a maintenance issue and he should call the cops, and he tells her that she can't get the window open.
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A man is sitting in his hotel room  when a knock cames to the door -"What do you want?" he asks.
A voice answers -"I have a telegram for you."
The man is fed up tipping every time he gets room service so says -"Stick it under the door please."
and the voice answers - "I can't, It's on a plate"
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A man and a woman are about to make love when she says _ "I should tell you first... I have acute angina" and he says -" Your breasts are not too bad either."
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