jokes

Pat and Mick go for a job on a building site. The foreman asks Pat "What's your name?

I lke it

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

              The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the
water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

              So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded
to talk up a storm.

              Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found
the following note on the door:

              1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
             2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
             3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
             4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
             5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
             6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
             7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to
as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
             8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the sh*t out of him..
             9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
             10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
             11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he
said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat
me."
             12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
             13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
             14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest
at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.

The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.

The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either!"

What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off of walls?

Rick O' Shea!

THE OLD CATTLE KING
Mr. Peabody, the local banker, saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year-old
cattle station owner, in town.

Good one Pat