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Posted: 05-November-2015 at 21:33

Did you hear about the invisible woman?

She was very nice but wasn't much to look at.

The 12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always, Agnes

December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love, Agnes

December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnes

December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

December 22, 1972

Hey sh*thead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours! Agnes

December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of sh*t. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you! Agnes

December 24, 1972

Listen f**khead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

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Posted: 07-November-2015 at 11:58

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Posted: 07-November-2015 at 11:59

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an
elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest
gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and
told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too
high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and
shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the
hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun
in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all..'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man..

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as
much.'!!!!!!!

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Posted: 07-November-2015 at 19:27

It would be a much better world if chickens were allowed cross the road without having their motives questioned.

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Posted: 08-November-2015 at 11:07

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious." LOL

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Posted: 09-November-2015 at 14:08

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

Biker Pat

I spend too much time here!!!

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Posted: 09-November-2015 at 14:09

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

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Posted: 09-November-2015 at 22:50

A man in Canada says to his wife - "The lake is frozen...could you walk across to the off-license and get me a case of beer? Tell Joe to put the $20 on credit". His wife knows he has $20 and asks why he's buying the beer on credit and he says -"I don't know how thick the ice is"

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Posted: 10-November-2015 at 10:18

An Irishman chasing a ambulance...

Mick Flaherty had supped more Guinness than enough and had stumbled out of Quinn's bar and into the Sunday afternoon air.

As his drunken eyes squinted to adjust to the light, an ambulance went by at great speed. Blue lights flashing and siren blaring, it roared up the street with Mick in full flight running after it.

A hundred yards, 200, 300, almost a quarter of a mile he tracked it until suddenly, lungs and legs giving out, he fell into the gutter.

Then with his very last ounce of breath he roared: 'You can keep your damned ice cream!'

May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

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Posted: 10-November-2015 at 11:42

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast." The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager..

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Elderly Ladies!!! Tongue

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Posted: 13-November-2015 at 04:26

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now,

you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was

severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation

Coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but

they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something

you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher

now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only

invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a

role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

Biker Pat

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Posted: 13-November-2015 at 14:03

A man goes to the doctor for his wife's test results.

Mr Smith : "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."

Receptionist : "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have two sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other shows Aids!"

Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't shag her."

May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

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Posted: 13-November-2015 at 23:57

Good one Pat LOL

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Posted: 15-November-2015 at 11:56

A DonDon Joke

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Don't ride the kiddie merrygo round when you are drunk, so get off.

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Posted: 15-November-2015 at 12:11

The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Quinns. At Quinns, you buy a drink, Quinn buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Quinn buys you another drink."

Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

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Posted: 25-November-2015 at 11:48

History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:

10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND ... drum roll please ...

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word ......

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009 Big smile

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Posted: 25-November-2015 at 13:06

Murphy, O’Shea & Mullligan go for a job on a building site, but have been told beforehand that the foreman dislikes the Irish. Murphy suggest to the other two that they give English sounding names.O’Shea goes in first to to interview foreman asks him his name,O'Shea looks out window & sees a Woolworth store.My name is F W Woolworth, get out shouts the foreman. Mulligan goes in same question he looks out window and sees a shoe shop, my name is Freeman Hardy Willis, get out shouts the foreman. Murphy is last in an exasperated foreman asks what’s your name, Murphy has good look out of window and replies Ken, thank Christ for that says foreman, Ken who?Tuckey Fried Chicken says Murphy.

May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

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Posted: 12-December-2015 at 13:27

Chinese Tour Guide in Shanghai...

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number, so I could call her to make arrangements.
She got excited and said:
"sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!

But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said : 666136429 LOL

Biker Pat

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