jokes

Three men walk into a bar: a Frenchman, an Italian and an Irishman. Each orders one beer. Three flys fly into the bar and one fly lands in each man's beer.

The Italian man plucks the fly out of his beer, says "tutto e bene" (all is well)" and drinks the beer.
The Frenchman shows his beer with the bug still inside it to the bartender and demands another beer.
The Irishman yanks the bug out of the beer, grabs it by it's wings, shakes it while yelling

"Cough it up, you wee theivin' bastard!"

If baby Jesus had believed in Santa Claus I bet he would have asked for gold, frankincense and myrrh in his stocking.

Civilization in 2015 -  this is priceless!!!

   
WELCOME  to 2016:
 
• Our Phones–Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
 
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth –  Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes–Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
 
• Feelings–Heartless
• Education–Valueless
• Children–Mannerless
• Country–Godless
 
 
We are SPEECHLESS,
Government is
CLUELESS,
 
 
And our Politicians
are WORTHLESS!
  I'm  scared – sh*tless!

Private Jones tried to sneak a quick smoke while on guard duty. In the last second he sees an officer turn the corner, and he quickly pops the still burning fag into the hollow of his mouth.
As the officer approaches, it's obvious that he's noticed the tobacco smell.
"Are you smoking, soldier?", he snaps. "No, sir!", whispers the private in a very muffled voice.
-"what's that in your mouth, soldier?"
-"chocolate, sir!"
-"really? There's smoke coming out of it", the officer continues.
-"yessir! It's cooking chocolate, sir!"

A Glaswegian was getting dressed on the morning of his wedding. He has had a kilt specially made. He puts it on and his best man says, " What's the tartan?"

" She's wearing white"

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.



















At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.


He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that The Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth to live the life of anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says,

























'I want to be Sophia Loren she's a lovely lady and a great Italian woman and role model'





And *poof* she's gone.





The second says, 'I want to be Madonna, although sometimes controversial she's a great entertainer.’



And *poof* she's gone.






The third says, 'I want to be Sarah Pipalini'






St. Peter looks confused. 'Who?' he asks





'Sarah Pipalini,' replies the nun.





St. Peter shakes his head and says,



'I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell.'







The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.







St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.



He hands it back to her and says.







'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.



















At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.


He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that The Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth to live the life of anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says,

























'I want to be Sophia Loren she's a lovely lady and a great Italian woman and role model'





And *poof* she's gone.





The second says, 'I want to be Madonna, although sometimes controversial she's a great entertainer.’



And *poof* she's gone.






The third says, 'I want to be Sarah Pipalini'






St. Peter looks confused. 'Who?' he asks





'Sarah Pipalini,' replies the nun.





St. Peter shakes his head and says,



'I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell.'







The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.







St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.



He hands it back to her and says.







'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.



















At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.


He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that The Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth to live the life of anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says,

























'I want to be Sophia Loren she's a lovely lady and a great Italian woman and role model'





And *poof* she's gone.





The second says, 'I want to be Madonna, although sometimes controversial she's a great entertainer.’



And *poof* she's gone.






The third says, 'I want to be Sarah Pipalini'






St. Peter looks confused. 'Who?' he asks





'Sarah Pipalini,' replies the nun.





St. Peter shakes his head and says,



'I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell.'







The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.







St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.



He hands it back to her and says.







'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

A pastor keeps poultry on church premises

one evening his prize cockerel escapes

Next morning in church he asks

“who has a cock”all the men stood up

No I mean who has seen a cock

Some of the women stood up

No I mean who has seen a cock that’s not theirs

Half the church stood up

Oh for goodness sake, who has seen my cock?

All the choir boys stood up

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were €70! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web

Egyptian archaeologists have discovered a royal mummy embalmed with chocolate.



They believe it to be the body of Pharaoh Rocher

My wife has run off with the milkman - seeing them drive away on his milk float was the worst two hours of my life